Kumuhonua, beach bum or big chief? 250 hua ‘olelo (words)

A beach front hotel in Waikiki, hours after a postcard sunset. The resort is finally returning to “normal”.

A malihini man comes rushing into the lobby, shouting.

“There’s an old beach bum in my room, don’t know he got in, I recorded everything he said on my phone”. He plays the recording for the security guard.

“What you guys think you doing building one beeg “hale”? I niele, I like know! You wen plug up all da fresh watah! How we going plant kalo? Was choke lo’i kalo in my time and my kupuna time. You buggahs wen foget, I da ali’i nui on dis āina! In da days dat used to be, we called dis ‘aina Apuakehau. Yeah, I was ali’i nui, I call da shots around hea! I’m Kumuhonua!

You know, dis ground not solid “paʻa” enuf fo hol up dis kine “hale”. You guys pupule fo tink going las. Tidal wave going come, earthquake going come. One big kine battle against one nuddah ali’i going come from Ko’olau side, den from Kaua’i side. Dey going come in da big kine wa’a canoe. Da drums, da chanting, da shark teet clubs, bambucha spears. You jus wait. Going come. No be surprised. No mo’ hula show dat nite”.

Malihini man shouts at Puanani, the front desk wahine.

“I’d like a refund on my stay, we booked the most expensive room, the best view, champagne breakfast wheeled in every morning, the works!

“No worry bruddah, we going get him out”.