Transcript of 911 Phone Call

I’m in trouble, and all of humanity may be in trouble. I don’t have much time, and humanity may not have much time. You might think I’m crazy, but please listen to my entire story before you make a judgement. It started when I found a recipe for capturing wild yeast to make sourdough bread. I like bread, especially sourdough, so I was interested. Yeast occurs naturally in the air, and I wanted to use the yeast in Hawaii’s air to make Hawaiian sourdough bread. I made a batch of starter dough for the yeast, which began to bubble and rise after only a couple of days, showing the effect of the yeast. I got excited, and I often took a look at the dough. But a few days after that, there were no more bubbles, and the dough went flat. Too much bacteria must have gotten into the dough and killed the yeast. So I started a second batch. But I believe that the yeast in the first batch had already taken effect — on me, that is. My belief is that the first batch, before it went flat, created a high concentration of a type of yeast that is unique to these islands. Due to Hawaii’s isolation, the yeast that I captured must have evolved here, just as hundreds of plants and animals have evolved in Hawaii and can be found nowhere else in the world, like the yellow hibiscus and the happy face spider. My theory is that the yeast multiplied in the dough and attained an extremely high concentration — much higher than what would be found in nature. The yeast was dispersed into the air, and I was breathing it. The yeast must have somehow found its way into my brain because I am convinced that my thoughts are being affected by it. I don’t feel lightheaded or dizzy, and I don’t feel any physical effects. I can still walk around and talk and do the things I normally do. But I feel that the yeast is beginning to control my thinking. Yeast is a one-celled organism, so most people assume it cannot do much. But think about a colony of ants. One ant cannot do much. But a single colony can have hundreds of thousands of ants, and they are so organized that they have been known to build sophisticated underground cities. Scientists cannot explain how the ants organize themselves because there is no central command. Some people might think that the queen gives orders, but the only function of the queen is to produce eggs. Yet, somehow all of the ants in the colony act in unison. I believe that the colony of yeast in my brain is acting similarly. And as it grows, the yeast is taking more and more control of my brain. The second batch of starter dough is now bubbling and rising. I’ve gone beyond the limited success of my first batch, and this second batch is rising quickly, doubling in size every day. I can only speculate as to what the yeast in my brain will have me do with the dough in the days and weeks ahead. Perhaps I will end up putting the dough in Honolulu’s water system. Or perhaps I will make a huge batch that will send high concentrations of yeast into the air in my neighborhood. Just a while ago I thought about stopping the growth of the yeast by putting vinegar into the dough. But when I tried to do that, I opened the cabinet where the vinegar is stored, and I found that I could not grasp the bottle of vinegar — no matter how much I tried. The yeast was stopping me. At that point I realized that I didn’t have much control my actions at all. Hmmm. The urge just came upon me to mix more flour into the dough. I am really worried now. Someone needs to stop me. Please tell the police what is happening. The dough is really bubbling in this warm weather. Help me, before the yeast . . . [unintelligible] . . . [end of phone call].

(Apologies to “The Body Snatchers.”)