Boy and Uncle: Mask
–Uncle, what you wearing. Not Halloween.
–One mask. Da gov-nah said gotta wear mask when you go out. So I went find my favorite mask.
–Uh, Uncle. Mask gotta cover your nose and mouth, not your eyes.
–Not dis kine? Das all I get, my old Long Ranger mask. “Who was da mask man?” “Hi-yo Sil-vah, away!” Ho, dat show was good. I get cowboy boots too.
— Lone Ranger was alone, not long, Uncle.
–How you know? Maybe someting was long. Hee, hee. You know who is Tonto?
–Yeah, da Indian sidekick. Actually, I like Tonto mo bettah den da Long Ranger cause he was da smart one, keep Long Ranger from getting into trouble. How many times da Long Ranger gotta ask Tonto what fo do. At least he know who to ask.
–Yeah, da bad Indians only ride around and yell “Whoo, whoo, whoo” and dey get all da white man scalps hanging from dere horse. How come Lone Ranger wasn’t scared dat Tonto was going scalp him?
–Good question. I tink Tonto know he gotta keep all da Indians safe. He know one Long Ranger mo easy to fight den one whole army of Texas Rangers. Smart, dat red man.
–He wasn’t red. And you and me, we not yellow.
–Tsah. Who made dat up? So what color us?
–Even haoles? Dey white.
–Not. Get all kine haoles. Jes like us, get all kine.
–All da haoles on TV get one stupid sidekick. Long Ranger get Tonto. You know dat Tonto means stupid in Spanish?
–Not. Why dey name him dat? Maybe dey nevah know?
–Hah! My eye! I bet dey knew. You evah seen “Blue Hawaii,” Elvis movie? Had one houseboy name Ping Pong.
–You know what da actor’s name was?
–Tiki Hanalei. I kid you not! His real name was Ralph.
–Ha, ha. Even da real names stay fake names.
–Das right! And on “Hawaiian Eye” had one nudda local boy, Poncie Ponce. Happy go lucky guy, wit da hat and play ukulele. Dey call him Kazuo Kim Quisado. How many Japanee Korean Filipinos you know? You know what is “guisado?” Stew in Spanish.
–So Poncie Ponce was fake name too?
–Nope, was real, Ponciano Ponce. Das one real Filipino name.
–Nice, dat name.
–Yeah, no. I tell you, I donno why dey no use real names? Like Zulu on Hawaii 5-0.
–Das one real name?
–Naw, his real name was Gilbert, but errybody know Zulu, da singer. Anyway, if you need one big guy on TV, dey was all big Hawaiians, like das all dey good fo. So big, da crooks come scared. McGarrett too, scared. He hide behind Zulu, “Go get um, Kono!”
–Dat was Zulu?
–Kono Kalakaua. Sometimes I watch and I foget who is Kono Kalakaua? Oh, das Zulu. And I wondah, how come dey name him aftah one street?
–One king, Uncle. I tink dey name him after da King.
–Das stupid. No respeck. I like street name bettah. Den McGarrett can say, “Kono go down Kalakaua and take a left. Drive by Sandy Beach, go airport.”
–You too funny, Uncle.
–McGarrett had one Chinese sidekick too, Chin Ho Kelly. What da hell? You know who is Chinn Ho? Da real Chinn Ho?
–Rich businessman. Poor local boy work hard, build up, build up until he own Ilikai Hotel. You know where McGarrett standing on da lanai at da beginning of da show? Das his hotel. Chinn Ho’s hotel. Da real Chinn Ho coulda bought Hawaii 5-0 and change da name to Hawaii Chinn Ho. Hee, hee.
–How you know all dis stuff, Uncle?
–My fahdah used to point out all da local boys on TV. Any show wit Hawaii boys or make in Hawaii, he watch. Most times he tell, “Too good, da guy. Can talk like one haole.” But most times all da local boys only can be one houseboy or act stupid and tell, “Yes, boss” to McGarrett or talk funny kine Pidgin, da kine dat no sound right. So now you know: Tonto, means stupid. Ping Pong means stupid. Kazuo Kim Quisado means stupid. Kono Kalakaua stupid. Chin Ho Kelly stupid. Boy, your name: English name, Chinese name, family name nevah is stupid. You get it, Boy?
–Yeah, I get it. So why you watch?
—I donno sometimes; jes like see how much stupid get on TV. I told you one time I saw McGarrett in Star Supermarket. He live Kahala. So he go store ovah dere. Funny though, he go market in his McGarrett costume: suit, tie, makeup, hair all pomade, and even his hands all white. Jes like one ghost. “Bak gwai,” mother used to say, white ghost, haoles.
–Ah, das jes makeup Uncle.
–Makeup, eh? Maybe like one time I went see my favorite bar girl daytime at da market. I thot, “Gee, she look familiar. I wondah who dat?” Was her, witout makeup. Was kinda scary. Ho, I went fast kine turn around and go down da next aisle.
–Ha, ha. Fool you eh? Was different kine mask. No can tell who dat witout da makeup mask.
–Okay, so if I move my mask down, das okay? Can tell who I am?
–Yeah but you look funny wit da eye holes on your cheeks. Mo bettah jes wear da big bandana, jes like da bandits.
–Ho, I going be like da bad guys!
–Naw, nowadays, da mask is da good guys.