THE PERFECT GIFT

          So I'm running errands on my bike this morning, and as I wait for a green light, I notice this copy house with this HUGE sign in their window of the "royal couple" with text that reads: Official Royal Wedding Programmes! Free copies to the first 125 customers who come in!
          I mutter under my breath so as not to offend the Great Mr. Marley, who is singing soothing melodies into my right ear, "Fuck off! I could give a rat's flying bicycle about the 'royal wedding'!"
          Two hours later, I'm riding home after finishing my errands. Backpack and bicycle heavy with food, I roll slowly along on the sidewalk, and I find myself staring right at the "royal couple" flashing their pearly whites again. I'm about to mutter to myself, "Fuck off!" and flip them the bird when I think better of it. "I'd better not lest these motorists think I'm . . . psycho."
          I think, "Who really gives a fuck?" as I roll merrily along past the window, smiling as I think of all the poor saps who actually do give a crap.
          I stop. Wait. There are people out there who actually really do give a crap. And maybe this is a money-making opportunity for me. There just might be idiots out there who are willing to shell out cold, hard cash for something like this!
          I immediately engage my kickstand, and this guy with a huge, crumpled "Royal Wedding" sign around his neck pulls the door open for me. I say thanks and mutter something about the program. He says, "Want one?"
          "Yeah, I guess."
          "Not too many left," he adds.
          I then tell him everything that's been on my mind, about how stupid the whole thing is, and he completely agrees. He says that his boss wanted him to print a thousand of them, but he only printed the 125 giveaways.
          I tell him the day is young, and maybe he should consider printing more. Starting with number 126, he could be turning a tidy profit. I leave him pondering this possibility, and I kind of wish I hadn't said anything, because now I think I'd should have asked for two.

          Friends, this program is officially up for sale! Details inside THE ROYAL WEDDING OFFICIAL PROGRAMME include: a color photo and thank-you note signed by the happy couple; a detailed map and timetable; names of the procession of the bride and groom and the Queen's procession; a detailed script of the ceremony complete with lines and stage directions, i.e., The Couple kneels. The archbishop says, Let us pray & The Choirs sing. Words to the prayers and lyrics to the hymns; and a history of Westminster Abbey complete with brilliant color photos. 28 full pages of juicy, royal goodness!
          Oh my! Now I've got myself excited! Darn! Now I'm thinking I might want to hold onto this for awhile. Maybe even pass it down to my kids? It may be worth a lot more down the road. I know my mom would FLIP if she knew I had this. Mother's Day is coming up . . .
          So please don't tell her I'm selling it, okay? And the heck with the kids. I'd like to give it to someone for at least $20 right now. Hey, maybe if turns out fools really want this, I could have them bid on it? Like maybe on Facebook, or even craigslist? I know some of them might be shame now because of my comments, but no be shame! Be proud! It's all about owning it!
          There's bound to be SOMEONE out there just dying to have one! Free shipping and handling for off-island morons – I mean smart shoppers!
          And I'll worry about Mother's Day later.