Boy and Uncle: Test

–Uncle, I had test today.

–Oh? What kine test?

–Math and English. Da standardized test, everybody gotta take um at da same time. Two hours.

–You worried?

–Litto bit.

–Me too, I had test today.

–What kine test? You no go school.

–All kine test. Erryting. All da tests combine erryting into one blood test. Oh and shi-shi test. Den you gotta go see da doctah fo have him tell you, “Ho, you jam up!”

–He not going tell you dat. You strong, Uncle. You going pass every test.
–Das da ting. If you look, you going find someting. If you no look, no worry.

–You no like know if something wrong?

–I know what wrong. He going tell gotta lose weight. Gotta exercise. Gotta cut down da salt. Cut down sugar. Cut down beer. Gotta eat vegetable. Gotta cut out da Spam, can corn beef, vienna sausage, Portuguese sausage, hot dog. He like me starve. No eat white rice, white bread, white flour. You know, doughnut, pancake, macaroni, spaghetti, saimin, noodle. I said doughnut? Malassada. Doughnut. Safeway get sale: one dozen fo five dollah. Good deal.

–You can eat twelve doughnuts?

–Doctah tell me write down erryting I eat fo one week. Look my list. Breakfast: Portuguese sausage, rice, egg. Snack: coffee and doughnut. Lunch: bologna and white bread sandwich. Doughnut fo dessert. Snack: potato chip and one beer. Dinner: saimin, Spam, and green onion. See, get green vegetable in dat one.

–Green onion no count, Uncle. And how come you only put one beer. You nevah evah drink jes one beer.
— Das okay. He nevah ask fo quantity. Dessert: doughnut wit ice cream. So you see Boy, your kine test at least you get chance fo pass. My kine test, no can pass. Mo bettah I come one vegetable-tarian, eh?

–What Uncle, eat salad every day?

–No, vegetable-tarian can eat steak and chicken.

–Huh?

–You see, da cow eat only grass. I eat da cow. Chicken eat grain feed. I eat da chicken. Same same. I jes eating recycled vegetable dat went thru da cow and da chicken.
–Ha, ha, Uncle. Da cow is vegetarian, da chicken is vegetarian but dat no make you one vegetarian. But you can improve, Uncle. You can exercise. You can eat more vegetables. You can sleep early…

–I exercise. I watch TV exercise show. And most times I sleep early while I watch TV. And I exercise…

–What kine exercise?

–I go couch to kitchen. Kitchen to couch. Maybe tree, four, five times a day.

–Dat no count Uncle. You gotta get your heart rate up.

— I used to watch what’s her name on TV. Jane Fonda. Now she old but young time, exercise, dance around. She make my heart rate go up.
–Halla. I going tell Auntie.
–Go tell her. She get cold heart. Like da tofu she like me eat.

–Auntie nice to me.

–Of course, she nice to you. She not married to you. And she no need take test!